THE hound is not a follower of fashion.

She does not appreciate being made to wear a coat – even if the mercury has dipped to negative numbers.
She will happily frolic and cavort across frost and snow-laden ground with no thought for the consequences, as long as I do not force her to wear any kind of jacket.

She particularly resents the novelty item. It is as if any potentially whimsical product is beneath her dignity, which for an animal who is prepared to rummage through an old bin for a snack is faintly ironic.

When they were younger, the teenagers that live in my house rent-free once put some Christmas antlers on her – just for the bants you realise – and we were rewarded with a withering stare of disdain that sent a chill through my bones.
I have the image seared into my consciousness which returns to me on the occasional sleepless night. She did look cute though.

So when I am ensconced in No 10 – and surely it can only be a matter of time – my first executive order will be to ban all dog accessories.
And there are many to ban.

A quick perusal through my mate Jeff B’s warehouse turns up a variety of such items: a collar with the bow tie attached, a Christmas bandana, a canine high chair, a dog sauna, a sticker to cover up a dog’s behind and a multi-colored paw friendly skateboard (and I only made one of these up…) But perhaps my shorthaired companion is the exception.

There may be groups of dogs who thrill to be decorated; who compare hair dos and costumes, competing with each other to look the most comfortably ostentatious in some kind of pavement runway show.

Maybe there is an underworld market of prohibited accessories that you can only gain entry to if you know the right people and are prepared to meet a strange bloke behind a dodgy pet shop after hours.

There we might find the extreme end of the scene: doggy dental implants, hound hair straighteners, and canine curlers; self-propelling fluffy toys, and all manner of costumes and outfits.

Each to their own of course, but I think the hound will stick to her simple collar and maybe, just maybe, a branded towel when wet.

Written by Mark Wall