I RECENTLY enjoyed my first day for a while back in my old stomping ground of Wiveliscombe.

No stomping in Wivey this time though. But I did bump into an old friend in The Square.

“How are you?” I asked as we shook hands opposite the White Hart.

“Well, you know,” he replied.

I wanted to say: “Actually, I don’t know. That’s why I asked.”

He continued: “To tell you the truth, I’ve got a touch of the old arthritis.” Not that it was something I’d expected him to lie about.

“It’s pretty painful you know, but then again, I’m not getting any younger,” he added. Talk of stating the obvious. No one I know is getting any younger.

It did make me ponder on the way we talk about our health or lack of.

When someone tells you they’re “fair to middling”, what exactly do they mean? It’s like when your GP asks you to give your pain a mark out of 10. How do I know how to score the gyp my knee is giving me? It hurts lots, end of.

If someone is “not too bad”, then you know they’re fine. It’s just that they’re hoping for a bit of sympathy by informing you they’re not quite in perfect health.

“Not too good” or “I could be better” usually means they’re feeling dreadful. Why not say so?

When you’re told they “can’t complain”, prepare for the list of ailments.

If you hear someone has “the usual” or “where do I start?”, get ready for in-depth details of several painful conditions.

Then there’s the person trying to put a positive spin on their illness, who tells you: “At least I’m still here.” Sounds like there’ll be a funeral some time soon.

Another favourite is “under the weather”. I guess that’s a negative in this country. But if you’re under the weather on the Costa del Sol, is that a positive?

I’d had enough of pondering on us Brits’ evasive responses to queries about our health.

It was time to return to my current stomping ground of Taunton to check what my copy of The Home Doctor says about my gammy shoulder - or was it my knee? And then to Google ‘the elixir of life’.